Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
