my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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