Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
