this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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