I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
