Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
