Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
