i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
