When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
