I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
