And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
