By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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