oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
