Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
