You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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