just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
