I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
only you would photoshop your dick
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
