i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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