So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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