You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
