Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
