And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
