there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Michael Bay diarrhea
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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