He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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