I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
