hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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