Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
