'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
