She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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