I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
