why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
