what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
