just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
