No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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