The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
