i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
