just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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