This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
