it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
