After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
