Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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