The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
