i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
