Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
