Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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