Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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