I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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