I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
