i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
