help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
