Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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