I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
