Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
