do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
